Marketing Failure

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After releasing an old article HOW MUCH HEAD SHOULD A GIRL GIVE IN A DAY? and telling my story of how I couldn't get it published in any magazine. I received feedback about what I did wrong.

I made a major marketing mistake.

I just used my standard bio:

Darrell B. Nelson is a former Securities Broker and Insurance Agent who has decided to use the total meltdown of his former industry, and the total destruction of any illusions of personal financial security the meltdown caused, as an opportunity to pursue a writing career.

It works fine as bio for fiction. But this was a non-fiction article. For non-fiction, the writer needs to show their knowledge of the subject matter. So my bio for HOW MUCH HEAD SHOULD A GIRL GIVE IN A DAY? should have been:

America's universally renowned International Fellatio Expert, Darrell B. Nelson, has over 30 years experience in receiving Fellatio. His interest in Fellatio started in teen years and he has been active in receiving Fellatio ever since.

With a bio like that the media would take notice and I'd be called on to do interviews:

Fame and Fortune would soon follow.

But I didn't think to change my bio. You might say I blew it. Oh well. Easy come, easy go.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Shut-up Stupid Sunday: Poor Word Choice

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Last night was the Annual National White House Correspondents Dinner. The mainstream media always hypes this up to much, but this year they really should have thought about the headline:

OBAMA KILLS AT CORRESPONDENTS DINNER

I haven't watched it but I'm sure the President was funny. He is probably the most gifted stand up comic we've ever had for a President. But the time he really killed at the Correspondent's dinner was last year. The final stages of the raid that killed Bin Laden were being carried out while he was at the dinner.

So to the MSM editors, I say, “Shut-up Stupid, With this President when you say, 'OBAMA KILLS AT...' their had better be a body.”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Learnin' Poll

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I messed up the poll last week. When I noticed blogger wouldn't let me change it. I hate the new blogger interface. For me just writing code is easier.

So I don't know how people think Ted Nugent should be remembered. I will just remember him as a revolting pants crapping draft dodger, pedophile rapist, who threatened to shoot the president. He could do a service to society by taking one of the guns he is so proud of, putting it to his head, and blowing whatever brains he has out.

I've gotten flack in the past about joking about death. So let me assure everyone, I'm not joking. If Ted Nugent blew his brains out I wouldn't shed one tear. The guy is a waste of life.

On to my next poll,

I ran out of checks and had to pay cash. I was $1.99 short. I had the wrong credit card with me so I had to put something back. What I put back cost $3.98. The clerk credited it and was baffled that her register said, “-$1.99”. A whole army of clerks had to come over to figure out my change, $1.99.

That got me thinking about education. I support local public schools even though I don't have kids. When I run into a public school teacher who is feeling down I try to cheer them up. I like the fact that they keep me from having to wade through beggars everywhere I go.

Besides knowing that no matter what happens, your child will get a minimum education, public schools make everyday life a lot easier for people.

Today's question: What benefit do you most enjoy about Public Schools?

Fewer Beggars in the street

Getting correct change at a store.

Leaving notes, knowing 99% of people can read.

Public School kids don't piss themselves in public very often.

As always vote on the upper left hand corner of the page.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Shut-Up Stupid Sunday: Anti-Education Movement

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Romney was Governor of Massachusetts during the tech boom. Massachusetts had a huge built in advantage during the boom. The little state has over 100 colleges and universities. Harvard, Cambridge, MIT and a few others are known throughout the world.

With an education base like that it would be natural for tech companies to open up in Massachusetts. So Romney cut funding to education by 60%, more than an other state in the union. Massachusetts came in 47th in job growth during the tech boom.

Romney might be a flip-flopper on most issues, but he has been as constant as the northern star on denying the middle class an opportunity to improve themselves.

For the last 30 years the GOP has been nibbling away at the education system in the United States, and the Democrats have let them. The Republicans argue that because the Department of Education budget has grown from over $100 billion in 2006 to its current $68 billion with no improvement in education, it should be cut. Notice how the people who are against education don't know 100 is bigger than 68.

The assault on education reflects the views of Don McLeroy, former Chairman of the Texas State Board of Education who has said, “Someone has to stand up to the Experts!” with all their facts and figures and data and stuff. Why should we teach kids about the world when it is so much easier to believe in whatever reality we care to make.

It's time to change direction and put education as a top priority in this country. Back when education was considered important, and thanks to the GI bill, millions of young people got free educations. We went to the Moon. Now our nation is struggling to make cars that can get people to work without spending their paycheck on gas.

The cost of ignorance is high. The most successful civilization in history was the Roman Empire. At its height the Romans were called a civilization of engineers. They identified problems, transportation, clean water systems, ect and built solutions. They declined as they turned their backs on education. So when the barbarians came as they had for thousands of years, instead of turning to engineers to find ways to get the vast military to fight them, they turned to prayer and prayed God would destroy their enemies. Christianity swept over Europe in what is known as the Dark Age.

So to everyone out there who is against education, I say, “Shut-up Stupid, If you think the cost of education is too high, look at the cost of ignorance. The most successful civilizations in history have one thing in common, they have educated people to identify problems and find solutions. The world's industrial base isn't moving to China and India because of cheap unskilled labor, its moving their because of the huge amounts of skilled labor available. A highly educated workforce is the key to a productive civilization. Cutting education is the quickest way back to the Dark Age.”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Creepy Lyrics

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My last poll surprised me a little. Like all kids when I was young I built some little forts. Like a 12' by 8' log cabin. To do that I needed basic math skills. I've always thought math was important. But thinking about it, having a portion of the population that doesn't know any math won't doom society. But other things kids learn in public schools would.

Work skills – The number of unskilled jobs is shrinking, even most minimum wage jobs need the employees to read. So it got a vote.

Reading – The time when civilization could get by without communicating through reading and writing is long passed. The way people text these days, verbal communication might be dead first.

Social Skills – The home-schoolers who end up pissing themselves because they've never been taught ask where the bathroom is, are very annoying. But homeschooled adults lack social skills as well. I've had to train people and not knowing their skill level I cover everything. Public school education teaches people when being trained something stupid to say, “Okay... I see... I think I can handle that.” I learned in public school that this is a polite way of saying, “Hurry it up, stupid.”

The home-schoolers I've trained never learned these skills and have the attitude that if I know the basics I can get the advanced stuff. Fail miserably and then have to be shown again.

I've known more than my share of people with Asperger's Syndrome, a mental condition where the person can't understand non-verbal language making them seem anti-social. I'd rather deal with them than most home schoolers.

On to the next poll:

I was listening to “Hey, Hey We're the Monkeys” the other day and heard this line:

Anytime, or Anywhere...
Just look over your shoulder...
And we'll be standing there.

I've been paranoid ever since.

I was just getting to the point where I didn't worry Davy Jones was stalking me when Gloria Estefan told me that:

The Rhythm is going to get you.

What did I ever do to it?

Switching over to a more Juliet feel I turned to Garbage #1 Crush:

Violate all The love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

Not trying to ignore you, just checking you for weapons.

Maybe I should think more international so I tried a song about Wild Roses, what could be more romantic than that?

Where the Wild Roses Grow:

On the last day I took her where the wild roses grow 
And she lay on the bank, the wind light as a thief 
As I kissed her goodbye, I said, 'All beauty must die' 
And lent down and planted a rose between her teeth 

Which is creepiest?

As always vote on the upper left hand side of the page.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Dumb Answers to S**t people say to writers

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Lev Rephael wrote, S**t People Say to writers I thought I'd respond.

Have you been published?

This is when Karen Allen of Raiders of the Lost Ark would shout out, “Indie!”


What do you write?

I mostly take the same 26 letters combine them with punctuation and rearrange them. Sometimes I throw numbers and stuff in as well.


Do you have, like, a real job?

I don't spend a lot of time in the real world.


I don't read much.

That's okay, I use the word, “Much” sparingly.


Do you know Stephen King? What's he like?

Yeah, we hang out all the time.


You should write a book about my life, it's a bestseller for sure.

Really, I was on the FBI's watchlist from the day I was born because Bobby Kennedy brought my dad before the “committee on un-American activities”. Eleven of my last Fourteen Employers went to jail, including one of America's “Top Psychics” who never saw that coming. But I'm sure your life is interesting too.


I'm gonna write someday, when I have free time.

I get my time when it's on sale.


My sister likes to read. Have you written anything she would know?

Just the note I left with the money on her nightstand.


You write novels? I only read stuff that's real.

Next time I'm in reality I'll write about it.


I read your book. It was... interesting.

Disturbing is the word I usually get.


My mother loves your books.

Thanks, Sis.


I've got a great story for you!

Does it involve a time traveling pirate, who has to save the world from the unholy kitten army?

I thought books were dead.

I try to bring my scenes to life.


You should write a screenplay! That's where all the money is.

All of it? Not a cent anywhere else?

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Fun with Shorts

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I'm going to try and start a new feature on Project Savior, who knows how well it will go.

One of the quotes that really inspires me is this:

Here’s to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple's 1984 commercial "Think Different"

I'm going to start reviewing the works of the crazy ones. The ones who see things differently.

To start off, I'll look at the works of Josh Way.

If you're a MST3K fan, you will love his work. If you aren't you'll look at this short and go, “huh?”

MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 3000) riffed really bad movies. Later the team started rifftrax and make sound tracks that pick on popular movies.

Josh Way is a fan who started doing his own riffing of Public Domain Shorts. I find them super funny. So I will review them.

Fun With Shorts: Tomorrow’s Drivers, Narrated by Jimmy Stewart!

The short itself:

The big thing about this Jam Handy production is Jimmy Stewart must have owed someone a favor because he does the voice over. A big win for Jam Handy and whatever students and teachers that had to watch this thing. A bit of a loss for people making fun of it. Stewart does manage to bring what would be a horrible short up to mediocre.

Josh's riff:

Josh has fun with this, but the short isn't as bad as most Jam Handy Productions. So he has less to work with. My favorite line was:

Stewart: The club gives the older boys a place to release their youthful energy.

Josh: Eewww!

Overall:

Josh makes this short funny, but since the short is mediocre instead of dreadful it's not the best Fun with Shorts. Still it's entertaining.

In the coming weeks I'll review some of the ones that were a lot funnier.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE